It has been awhile since I've posted here for a couple of reasons. One is that I picked up a friend's shift two weekends ago (meaning that I've worked three straight weekends and, of course a lot during the week). The other reason is that I haven't found time (or, more importantly, patience) to settle down and think about my attitude.
It was probably close to 4 months ago when I posted talking about how excited Annie and I were to come out west. I talked about how beautiful Colorado is and how beautiful the residents here were going to be once we gave them a chance to be themselves. I said this...
"Sometimes it's hard to remember, for one reason or another, how unique/interesting/beautiful/lovable a person is when you're constantly carrying his/her baggage with them."
Well we're carrying some baggage now. We've had and seen a lot of tears and I've gotten into a few yelling matches. I didn't understand the extent of these kid's baggage. I thought carrying it with them was always going to be interesting. I knew it would be tiring--but I never thought it would have an effect on my own attitude.
Daily, Annie and I hear the phrase "f*** the DHP," or, "f*** staff." It's all f*** this and f*** that. That's just what we hear. And I can say with 100% confidence that there's no consequence, no fine, no amount of extra chores that can completely stop that language. The residents think it's part of who they are--maybe even part of who they were created to be. It's not the f word either--it's the attitude. The past has taught my primaries and Annie's primaries that humans are supposed to have bad attitudes.
It's scary to think about the task of helping them develop a new attitude, but it's even scarier when that becomes my attitude. And even scarier when I'm home with Annie on our time off and that's my attitude.
That being said. It is such a blessing that the staff here gets together every monday and thursday and has devotion/prayer time. And it's such a blessing that we have such an amazing team and team leader with the cutest baby boy that gives us so much joy. It's even a blessing to be able to do things like go skateboarding w/ kids at the skatepark that puts Lincoln Park at Hope College to shame.
The fleeting times where the residents genuinely love being with us are all blessings. And the ability to see God's love from each other is a blessing.
I felt it necessary to tell you about the resident's attitudes because it's a big theme here right now. There aren't five minutes that go by without being reminded of that. But I don't want anyone to think that Annie and I hate it here. We love it. The darkness is just as much a part of this experience as the light.
The other day our good friend Niko gave a killer devotion about not feeling God in the silence. I guess Mother Teresa, one of the most amazing servants of God ever, experienced a 50 year dark night of the soul. She didn't feel God for 50 years. (sidenote: I went on mission trip to Queens sophomore year of college and the extremely conservative evangelical leader at the ministry concluded that Mama T's dark night cancelled her salvation...that makes me mad.)
For 50 years Mother Teresa served with one of the most beautiful hearts the world has everseen and she could not--no matter how hard she tried--see God. The key to her ability to continue to serve was to trust that one day she would again see and feel God day to day. I think that the fact that she was able to label her predicament as a 'dark night of the soul' allowed her to persevere.
With Mama T in mind, Annie and I want to be able to verbalize our struggles. I want to be able to say that I can't stand bad attitudes and irrationality so that we can appreciate this point in our walk with God for what it is.
I think about the guys I lived with last year... none of them are completely comfortable with exactly where they are and what they're doing right now. None of their current living situations or jobs or school are their final goal. Dave does not strive to one day be a host at a brewery and a caretaker. And Minkus never pictured himself working with 4th graders at a private school in Zeeland. But that's where they both are right now. And the super respectable thing about both of them and the others guys right now is I've never heard them say, "I don't know if I'm in the right place right now." They're all present and they all say, "I'm learning so much right now." Or, "I'm meeting such great people right now." Or, "I'm, for the first time, involving myself in a church body right now."
They call the season what it is. And they seem so thankful for it. I know that there are times where they all aren't super excited about certain aspects of the season, but will we ever be? I guess it all goes back to the overused and underestimated philosophy of living in the moment.
Maybe that'll encourage you, but it helps me a lot just to type it out.
No comments:
Post a Comment